“Sorry, we don’t serve Hot Dogs”

*Shoutout to Adam VonArx, the biggest beef cake west of the Mississippi. Seriously, that guy is chiseled by the gods*

Alright folks. I’m about to dive into a very sensitive issue I’ve been running into recently with our fans. As you now know, I drive a giant 27 foot-long fiberglass Wienermobile (GM chassis, Chevy V8 engine). So I get it – intuition would state that maybe, just maybe, this thing has a grill onboard and soon will be slinging those delicious ‘dogs left and right for me and my family. Boy, I can’t wait! Best day every! Free hot dogs!

But actually, we don’t serve hotdogs. Not. One.

It’s becoming a bit of an issue with the fans, I believe. And I can’t blame em! We just don’t do it – ever. However, we will occasionally have a trailer follow us around, and THEY’LL serve hot dogs. But us Hotdoggers are purely brand spokespersons; no food service.

My last four days in Ohio at the local Giant Eagle grocery store’s were filled with this type of dialogue:

“How’s it going today, sir,” Black Forrest Ham says in the most handsomest of ways to approaching fan.

*Indecipherable grunt/guffaw* “How much you sellin’ hot dogs for?” Says man in cutoff, maybe with ‘Chicks Dig It’ tattoo on arm.

“Actually sir, we don’t serve hotdogs from the Wienermobile. We’re out here today taking photos, playing games with the kids and spreading the good word about our new products,” Forrest fires back, before delivering the heat, “I do have wiener whistles and coupons, however!” 

Now, this is the fork in the road where the conversation either continues on in a civilized manner, or I become the most loathed human being in this person’s life, just seconds into our once-promising relationship.

The former scenario:

“Oh, ok! I’ll take a coupon, and could I get a couple Wiener Whistles for my grandkids? Oh they’ll get a real kick out of this! God bless!” Says happy, totally rational person who doesn’t let little things ruin their day, like absence of hot dogs in a grocery store parking lot. Everyone leaves happy.

The latter scenario:

“What? Not selling hotdogs?” Says Wade as he tries to wrap his head around the monstrosity of my words.

“No, I’m sorry sir. I can take your photo if you would like? How about some coupons?” States a nervous Forrest, eyeing Wade’s bulging muscles and sensing absolute disregard for social order or decency.

“Well what in god’s name are ya doin’ out here then? Lousy coupons? What’s a Wienie Whistler? I can’t believe it… I pulled in just for a hotdog.” 

Now, it’s not actually that bad. Usually they walk away ok. But sometimes it does get a little bizarre. I actually had a lady follow up the dialogue above by asking me if we, “at least”, sold water.

WATER?! Are you serious? I just told you we don’t sell hot dogs, why would we be selling waters lady? I kid you not she got in her car and drove away upset. Let me break it down:

*Lady departs car, eyeing the Wienermobile, licking her chops for some tasty waters from the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile*

*Lady realizes she does not have cash for the water she presumably can buy from the Wienermobile and the Hotdogger working*

*Lady enters grocery store lobby to pull money out of ATM before approaching Hotdogger*

*Lady learns that the Hotdogger does not sell water from the Wienermobile and speeds out of grocery store parking lot, wondering where she’ll have to look for water now. Post-office? Will she make it that far? Gosh, it’s just like Shia Labeouf in Holes..*

Forehead slap.

But in all honesty, Ohio was a good time. We had three days in a row of working retail events, spoke with two local reporters, and ate some good sea food one night by Lake Erie. Folks were really excited to see us, which makes my job all that much better. We also stopped for ice cream at Mitchell’s (dank ice cream) and found out it was a women’s 50th birthday, and her party was being held inside. She asked if she could take a picture with the Wienermobile, but we went all the way and took her and three friends for a ride in Big Bun! She had a blast. We stopped by some of her family’s houses – boy were they shocked. Lovely lady, Jill was. 

Anyways, we have moved on from Cleveland and are currently staying in Philadelphia (actually in NJ, but very close to Philly), where we will be attending two parades on the Fourth of July. Dang is it hot! 98 today, hotter than a goat’s arse in a Pepper Patch (buddy Chris Walter told me that one). We’ll have a few off days as well, so Cady and I will be doing some sight seeing tomorrow.

In terms of what I do everyday outside of work, I recently bought a Taylor guitar which has happily consumed a lot of my time. I’ve also been running and working out more, as well as reading. I usually go through a 300-400 page book a week, so if ya’ll have any suggestions, let me know! I try to facetime/call friends and family daily, so definitely feel free to reach out. Last night I had a lovely convo with dearest sis Erin. Much love.

That’s all for now folks, we’ll ketchup soon.

Fordude

P.S. My mom pointed out some grammar mistakes in my last post (thanks, mom), so if you see any, apologies in advance.