Oh Crap! 5 Alternatives to Toilet Paper While Under Quarantine

Ah, so you just finished plowing through yet another trough of Ricotta Cheese Lean Cuisine. Your third of the day actually. In fact, you’ve now exhausted your entire two week’s supply of food and it’s only day four of quarantine. To be fair, you’ve undoubtedly been churning loads of calories sending emails from the couch, The Office humming in the background as you assemble a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle in your underwear. Anyways, you’re plump full of glue cheese and now it’s time to ‘go’. But wait – oh, no! Your once pyramid of the white gold that is toilet paper has diminished to a single sheet, desperately clinging to the roll and guaranteed to rip under extraction. Looks like you’re Charmin sh*t-out-of-luck. So when you’re caught in a pinch while taking a pinch, try these 5 alternatives to toilet paper instead:

The Cat

Dear god! Not Snickers! But…he’s so soft, and rightly so. He’s had better grooming than most kids in Arkansas, and it’s time he starts pulling his weight. Just hose him off out back when you’re done, he’ll love that.

Actual Money

Face it, in times like these, it only has the buying power to secure the last can of Pinto beans – which is dented by the way – at the local Walmart rodeo, so I strongly advise flattening out that crumpled Washington from your wallet and lettin’ er rip. Its single ply and certainly is less absorbent than other options, but Snickers could use a break.

The Sandlot on DVD

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and that Extended Edition Sandlot disc is doing no one any favors since your roommate Ronnie spilled a jar of queso in the DVD player. You’ll bleed for days, no doubt, but talk about living life on the edge!

Your “Irish You Were Naked” St. Patty’s Day Shirt

*Moment of silence* So Coronavirus has killed off perhaps the greatest drinking day of the year (pray for the 4th of July). Crude messaging aside, you put on a few more pounds since last year and no way is that third-world thread-count is high enough to contain you. If it’s green, turn it brown and flush it down.

Your Hand?

I don’t recommend this one unless the situation deems absolutely necessary. Like, if your roommate is nagging you to do the dishes, it might be worth shooting for the moon and hi – fiving your poo. You’ve always got another hand, right?!?! Recommend Unleaded-87 gasoline for cleanup.