Ketchup with me

Gather round, children. Black Forrest Ham has returned once again to impart upon you the knowledge and grace he has acquired by slinging Wiener Whistles all over the North East (although, recently I’ve started to question the reasoning behind our diction of geography in the US. For example, Pittsburgh is just as close to Chicago as it is to New York City, but it is considered the Northeast). Settle in, and prepare yourself for some meaty – and sometimes, indecipherable – gibberish.

I’m gonna start this blog off with my favorite Hotdog Joke/Pun I’ve heard this week, said to me by none other than my good friend Joe Webb back in Hooferland. When he heard I drove from Ohio to Connecticut in the pouring rain, he said his mom always boiled their hotdogs, so he was used to a wet wienie.

Plymouth, MA

So this is a little big back in my travels, but I’m gonna dig deep and give ya the goods on this one. Cady and I drove here for the day and had us a grand ol’ time, romping around how I imagine the Pilgrims did once they landed. Well, without all the dysentery and yellow fever and black plague, of course.

Anyways, we checked out the rock where they landed. Now, don’t get your pants all in a bundle. It wasn’t the actual rock. It was a replica, but it was still big as hell and inspired some patriotism deep in my bones. We gazed at the rock for multiple seconds before departing for some scones. I’m a sucker for scones. God I love ’em.

We continued on our way, taking some pics of the cool coastline, the beaches. They weren’t like Huntington beach or Cabo, with blonde babes and chiseled hunks. These beaches were littered with seaweed, smelled like a can of tuna, and had more dirt than sand. But they sure were pretty, in a simple way. The clear sky struck a perfect harmony with the harbor boats and seagulls, the sun warming the crisp air.

We had a seafood lunch before heading out of town, but I liked Plymouth.

Pittsburgh, PA

Heyo! Pittsburgh! I had an absolute blast in Pittsburgh. There were plenty of bluffs running along the river to evoke those warm memories of La Crosse, WI. We stayed not ten minutes away from downtown and had a couple of days to do some exploring. We started of at this great breakfast place before heading to some Heinz museum. Saw some cool stuff, but like I’ve said before, museums aren’t really my thing I guess. I can only take so much.

Then we headed to Heinz field, where we took a little tour of the stadium. It was pretty cool, actually. I’m no Steelers fan, but I couldn’t help but admire that yellow and black they sport all over the city. Pittsburgh is the only city that has the same colors for all three of its sports teams (Pirates, Steelers and Penguins). This is also the stadium that Bane blew up in the third Dark Knight movie. Pretty cool.

After the tour, we bellied up to Cowboy Tequila and wet our whistles before we went to the Pirates baseball game. I don’t even remember who they played, but I had a ball watching. Come to think of it I think it was the Braves. Anyways, Pittsburgh was a great time. We met up with a Hotdogger Alumni, Trina from class 17, who cooked up some comfort food for us. I stuffed my gut till I was uncomfortable. I can’t tell you how great a home cooked meal tastes after months on the road.

The reason we were in Pittsburgh was to bring the Wienermobile to the Heinz headquarters and do a video part with a C-Suite executive in KraftHeinz. I don’t know if I’m actually allowed to say. So for the sake of my job I’ll just leave it at that.

Columbia, SC

So after Pittsburgh we skidaddled down to Columbia, putting our anti-perspirants to the ultimate test. 100+ degree temps, with 80% humidity? What gives, Satan? In all seriousness it was pretty awesome down there in Gamecocks territory. I did plenty of jogging through the campus to get a feel for the place, relishing the presence of college people once more. I even got in on a game of Spikeball one day.

I had a chance to visit Congaree National Park one day. I was planning on going for a jog through the woods when I got there, but upon stepping out of the vehicle I noticed something strange. Strung from most of the trees was this yellow, silly string looking stuff. Upon further examination – and to my horror – I realized these were spider webs. Everywhere. With giant spiders in the center. I swear I saw one of them holding a bird. Apparently they are called Golden Orbweavers or something, and they were posted up all over the place. So my little plan to prance through the woods and get a jog in was immediately put on hold. I stuck to the boardwalk through the woods on high alert for any 8 legged critters trying to pop in, but still managed to appreciate the place. Apparently it’s one of the last Old Growth Forests in the south, which at one time extended from North Carolina all the way over to Texas. I saw some alligators, gar, turtles, etc in the murky swamp. Overall, a pretty decent trip.

We had a great time in South Columbia in part to the bed and breakfast we stayed at, the 1425 Inn. Shanna, the owner, was an amazing host. The house was grandiose on the inside and really sported that southern comfort feel. Alex, the innkeeper, was a sophomore at USC and a great guitar player. We had some fun talking strings.

Before we skipped out of town we stopped in Darlington for a NASCAR race. This was by far the hottest day I’ve experience in the Wienermobile. We set up the Wienermobile next to the Oscar Mayer wrapped Matt Kenseth show car and spoke to fans all day. I have never seen more exposed beer bellies than I did that day. Apparently these fans camp out for the four days leading up to the race, sleeping in tents and putting down copious amounts of High Life. That is some dedication right there! It was interesting to say the least.

South Carolina was a great time, I’m glad that we aren’t there now in the path of a hurricane.

Columbus, OH

After South Caroline we crossed the country over to Columbus, Ohio, right smack dab in the epicenter of Buckeye territory. The terrible Buckeyes! “THE” Ohio State, the same Ohio State that beat my beloved Badgers 59-0 in the Big 10 Championship four years ago (and again beat us in the 2017 Big 10 Championship). I was saltier than the ocean. But despite the bad blood, I really had a great time in Columbus. We only had one off day, but I managed to get in some hot yoga, go for plenty of jogs down the Sciota Mile, and eat a famous burger from The Thurman Cafe. I bought these running shorts there called the QuadBangers, which accented my pale, white lightning thighs. Apologies to the community there in Columbus for showing you just how good the inner thigh can look.

For the Badger vs New Mexico game, we went to Chumlee’s Bar, where I celebrated with Fireball, Modelo Especial, and some BBQ nachos. They even put Cady’s Mizzou Tigers game on, which I enjoyed watching in the wake of the Badgers utter decimation of the New Mexico Lobos.

Before heading to Connecticut, we went to a Fallout Boy concert. Again, this crowd was bizarre. It was a mix of 15 year olds with yellow and purple hair, and 35 year olds who haven’t accepted their angsty days of youth is long gone, much like their hairlines.

Alright, that’s a wrap folks! We are in Connecticut right now, so I’ll fill you in on that next time around. Things are going pretty quick out here, I’m in disbelief that it’s already September. That means I’ll be unemployed soon again, which means I should probably start figuring out what the heck I’m supposed to be doing in my life. If you have any suggestions, leave em in the comments below.

Before I leave, I’ll give a quick book review. I just finished Let My People Go Surfing: The Education of  a Reluctant Businessman by Yvon Chouinard, creator of Patagonia. He definitely made some compelling points throughout his business philosophies. Much of these philosophies pertain to minimalism, simplicity and quality in business. Patagonia clothing (known as fratagonia on college campuses), may cost a pretty penny, but is built to last and serve multiple functions in the outdoors. Their manufacturing practices (apparently, I’m no expert) are environmentally sustainable and support communities abroad. Perhaps the best nugget I picked out of this book is the need for minimalism in our culture. So many of us crowd the department stores for those big holiday sales, just to buy another t-shirt or pair of jeans that likely will be in a landfill in a year. Instead, we should look to de-clutter our lives and only buy high-quality, multifunctional goods that will last many years. By doing so, we’ll save our oceans from all the choking plastic, keep the junk out of the landfills, and free up time and resources in our own lives so we can focus on the important stuff.

See ya next time.